There are many different kinds of narcissists with varying degrees of the disorder and each of them has a specialty. It's not really a specialty, it's what I call whatever thing they excel in most. Whether it be cheating, lying, manipulating, stealing, being cold, etc., they all have at least one special thing they do the most and the best. I used to think that N2003 was the worst person ever to be born as far as cruelty to others, but he isn't. Oh don't get me wrong he's damn right f@cked up. However his specialty is verbal abuse and selfishness. He does not go out of his way to think up ways to destroy the other person. His destruction just kind of happens because he doesn't care about anyone but himself.
My husband, on the other hand, has the specialties of lying and manipulation. He is a very good liar, he's excellent at manipulation, AND he will sit there and calculate what kinds of things he can do to make your life a living hell. That's the worse kind of narc there is because you as the victim can have all kinds of legal trouble and everything else if someone in an authority position is blinded by your narcs lies. He tried to cause me much trouble yesterday and humiliate me as well by sending another woman to my home. I didn't quite give him the reaction he wanted but every move he makes just makes me realize even more how sick he is and how we all should be as far away from him as possible. He's a real sick puppy and I am very ashamed of myself for ever getting involved with him. I didn't know until it was too late. I'm doing the best I can to rectify the situation but they don't ever make it easy for us. They have to try to inflict pain, they have to make you pay, etc. I'm just so tired of drama and I can not wait to get the hell away from here and never look back.

I think my current husband is even worse than N2003. Boy did I make the biggest mistake ever. OMG wow what it is about NARCS that love to see suffering and lives in shambles? That's a hell of a thing to get off on. Damn. My advice to anyone who has a "friend' chasing them. Leave that mother fucker as a FRIEND. Chances are as soon as he gets you he will show his true colors. Mine did. Now we're not even friends. I can't stand the fucker. Hate is a very strong word and I don't know I'm exactly capable of hating, but this feeling comes pretty close. N2003 almost killed me emotionally. I guess N2009 tried to finish the job. haha. I'm a little bit stronger than that, but good job on snatching up that piece of control. I know he probably gets much pleasure from. that. I'll be damned if I will live here under his control and I have to pay for it. LOL! No sir. Nope. Finally told my landlord to shove it up their ass today. They can see Mr. Lease holder for the balance of the rent.

It's good news though. I've been working on music and working on working, lol. Everything is ok with my ex who came from no where. I didn't let myself be taken advantage of. Seems I'm stronger than I thought. I will have to say that the contact did throw me for a loop but all I had to do was think about the way he treated me all those years ago and the way he treated my son and I was like...oh hell no. I wrote his mother a nice little letter relaying back all the things that he had done to me while I was pregnant and how he ignored our son afterward. Lol, now poor baby doesn't have a wife and he wants me to make him feel all better. Aw, how sweet. Not. Bugger off, douchebag. The reason I told his mom was because she was actually one who felt me out to see if the contact was ok. She's an enabler so yah, he wouldn't have felt comfortable doing it if she hadn't gave him a feeling like it was ok. It's cool though. The experience just made me realize that I'm all grown up now, lol. F*ck these hoes. Every last one of them. I'm too old to accept bad treatment from anyone anymore. He had his chance several years ago to be a father and a husband. Now he simply has to get used to being alone like everyone else. Sorry, Tasberry's rescue mission is closed for the season, haha. I got my own problems and my own messed up marriage.
Anyway, I'm going to bed. I'll leave you with some poetry from our newest member Heidi. Have a good night all.

ROOTS

As my new leaves sprout
I invite you to find shade

as my trunk grows taller
I invite you to climb to escape

as my bark starts to thicken
I invite you to carve your name within it

as my leaves fall from the branches
I invite you to jump in the pile, hear how they crunch

as my branches grow longer
I invite you to grab hold if need be

but

as my canopy becomes overgrown
I invite you to cut it back gently

as my bark becomes brittle, and falls to the earth
I invite you to look closely, at your name which remains

as my roots grow deeper, if they impose on yours
I invite you to transplant me

as your roots fill the space, in the place I once stood
I invite you to grow beyond the heavens above

UPSIDE DOWN

as if on cue
as if you knew
I see you appear above me

I hold my breath
accepting death
as a possibility

I see you reaching towards me
but I've already read this story
and the ending never varies

you yell my name in panic
your tone of voice, it sounds quite manic
then something captures my attention

your appearance has me puzzled
your expression is new to me
I try make some sense of it
this truth will set me free

and then it hits me
as I plummet down
your frown turns to a smile
when life for me,
is upside-down

Well I had an interesting day today. N2003 came from no where. I'm telling you it's that au de coda. We don't even want to reek of it but we do and we will. Always and forever. There's something in us that "lets off the scent" to the Ns and they come flying when they can sense we are alone. Heh. Or maybe they have radars for us. Who knows but I have taught myself that It will happen from time to time and just to ignore it. It's an N and C thing that you just have to blow off and not act on.
N2003 is obviously still quite full of himself. He said he changed but he hasn't changed a lick really. None of them ever do. I'm pretty melancholy these days and I just want to be left alone really. My favorite line from him was "you don't sound too enthusiastic". Well should I? The man(?) did some horrible things to me....and his own flesh and blood. I won't ever forget that. Even if I wasn't married, which I am, I'd still be like...pffft. Wtf? I didn't get him into any trouble though. I suppose I could have but I didn't feel like it.
Nope, I wasn't with my husband to "piss N2003 off" or just to kill time. I actually really loved/love my husband and it hurt like balls to have to say goodbye but I won't be made a fool of again by anyone. It sucks for me right now and I would like for the people who caused me pain to all go away and leave me alone.
Haha, he claimed to have found a new spontaneous love for his son. He ranted on about wanting to be with him all the time. He said he was totally pissed when I married N2003. *sigh* What the fuck, man? That's all I could say was what...the...fuck. Yeah it's about two years too late to be "loving" his son and as far as the marriage goes...well he was the first one who ran off and married someone else. I started seeing N2009 waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay after that. We were good friends (so I thought). I fell in love with him. I still love him. I just never can be with him. He humiliated me and lied. You're only supposed to give one chance for that. I learned that from N2003. Never give a million chances. In the end YOU will pay for it. Both these guys can go fly a kite. They hate each other anyway. It's just a cock contest they're trying to play and I'm not interested in being the prize. Wtf?!
On a different note, we have a new writer to the blog. I'll be posting her writings tomorrow. I was very busy today with school work so I didn't get a chance to post it. I'll give a proper intro tomorrow afternoon and post the material so you can read it. It will be very helpful. I'm glad to see other people getting involved. Tell your N stories. There are people out there who need to read these things so they don't feel like they are the only ones going through this.

I just spent all night last night designing an album cover then I spent all night tonight writing a theme song to said album. Usually people have their theme song first. It was kind of spur of the moment.
Nothing is going on in N world. No news is always good news when it comes to Ns. I'll be back tomorrow to post. You know how sometimes you just lose your urge to do something? If I write now it won't be good so I'll write later.

Well hello blog! I have been so busy lately I have not had the time to write in. I did quit my job but I found something interesting that I could do at home. Looks pretty promising for extra cash. Of course I won't know exactly until I see money in hand, but I really enjoy doing it so I hope it works out well.
Mentally and emotionally I think I am doing just fine, haha. I'm still not 100 percent but I am doing much better than I was when this all started out. I've adopted a worry free attitude toward life in general. That's huge because I'm a big worrier. I have been known to let the anxiety consume me at times. Now I get it! It's like it finally clicked for me! I can't control a damned thing! Let the chips fall where they may because they're going to fall there anyway! That same spot they were going to fall to if I flip out will be the same exact spot they fall to if I remain calm and keep it movin'. One thing didn't work out, something else did. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen and so forth and so on. See, I did learn something. Yay!
I stay pretty busy. Between school, trying to work, and raising the kids my plate is pretty full. I've been trying to develop a system that allows me to balance everything. I have a two year old. He is so wonderful. It's a lot of fun interacting with him. He's so smart too, haha, I'm glad. Tomorrow I think I will take him on a nice walk in the park or something. He loves going outside. He gets so excited about bye-bye.
So yah I'm feeling healthier every day as far as emotions go. I just keep it moving and try to solve a different problem every day. It's been working so it's a keeper. The new song I produced by myself has gotten good responses. Yay. I will probably post it soon. Too lazy to post it to my Reverbnation page to link up now but maybe next time.

Woot. I should be feeling bad. I had to quit my job yesterday, lol. Too much disrespect to grownass employees. I couldn't take that for not one more night. I bid that job and my "assinine manager au de le powertrip" a speedy adieu. Before yesterday I had never really peeled wheels in my camaro. I finally did! It was great! Jobs like that are a dime a dozen and I won't be humiliated or disrespected by anyone again for ANY thing. Fux that. The woman tried to yell at me like I was five and tell me what I HAD to do. Lol, the only thing I HAD to do was go the F home. Trust me. If I walked out it was pretty bad. I do need money bad right now, but not in exchange for my self respect. I told that company to kiss my butt.
The good news is that my new song has gotten good reviews!!! I am so happy someone likes it other than me! I felt like crap about the last one. This one made me try harder I guess and I had a fun time making it because I knew I didn't have to worry about anyone else having any say in it because it was created by me, myself, and I. If I like it that's all that matters....and I do. Very much so. It's a dance tune with a little hip hop in it. I can rest for a day or so now. I wasn't really supposed to be singing with a sore throat and cold but I did anyway. I'll post it later. I'm very tired, lol.